My Life With Humans

This is my personal diary of life with the human-types.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

A Consideration of Ghosts












Quite an interesting morning I had.

I met my man-human outside....at our usual meeting place. He had been out once before (I knew this because the lights in the carport had been on). He had his cup of coffee in his hand and was pondering the light rain.

"Good morning", I said.

"Well good morning, Boy. Catch anything last night?"

"No....it was a fairly uneventful night", I responded.

"It's kind of nice out here though....with the rain and all."

"I suppose."

We sat there for a few minutes just gazing up into the dark skies.

"You know, Boy....I like our time out here each morning. Just you and me and the stars".

"Uhhh...have you looked up this morning? No stars tonight.....just clouds and those irritating water drops hitting my face!"

"Ok....you win. But usually we do see the stars."

At that moment everything went dark....I mean REALLY dark!

"What did you do that for?", I asked.

"Do what? I didn't do anything."

"You didn't just turn off the lights?"

"Did you see me move anywhere?"

"Well no....I didn't...but I've seen the female human walking around inside with some small, black box in her hand saying 'I've got the power!'....and then those lights around your house, and on that tree inside, suddenly light up!"

"Ha!", he said. "That's just the remote that controls all the Christmas lights. She just THINKS she has the power!"

I sat there for a minute. "Ok, so do you have one of those 'remotes' for these lights out here?"

"No....and I didn't turn them off. Come on inside...let's see if I tripped a breaker."

This guy had obviously lost it. What the hell is all this talk?

"What's a breaker and how do you trip over one?"

He stopped just inside the door. "Boy, all our power comes into the house and is split up at the breaker box. The box distributes the power to different parts of the house. If there's a sudden surge of power, the breaker trips to keep you from having any electrical problems....and fires."

Yup....he's lost it.

"Is this power you speak of the same power your female human has with that remote thing?"

He started to laugh. "No, Boy...her 'Power' is all in her head. This is electrical power and it keeps things running in the house."

"You mean like the lights inside and the toilets and such?"

"Well not the toilets but most everything requires electricity."

"Well, let's go see this breaker box and see what's going on....you're starting to worrry me!"

We went into the big room and he pulled the refrigerator out a bit. Now this box is something that is actually built into the wall. I was amazed at his cleverness!

"Boy, there's no breakers kicked over. This is weird."

He stood there for a few minutes, scratching his head. I just sat there watching this genius at work. I had just started cleaning myself and he let out a shout.

"The damn switch is turned off! How the hell did that happen?"

"Are you asking me this nonsense? I'm a cat, dumbass! We don't do 'Power'....at least not like what you humans play with. What's the problem?"

"Boy, these lights were working earlier this morning, right?"

"Well yea......I was sitting out there with you and it was all lit up. Are you telling me someone turned them off?"

"Someone or something."

Now he had me really nervous. He was the only human awake in the house. And the only other being was that Juniper....and she was asleep..and MUCH too short to reach that switch thingie.

"What are you telling me? Is there someone else in the house that I don't know about? I seriously doubt that!"

"Well watch this"....and he proceeded to 'flip the switch' and the lights outside came on.

"WOW! Now YOU'VE got the power!"

"This is weird, Boy....really weird. Come on....let's go get Terri's coffee going."

I followed him into the house and we had just made it into their living room.....and just past that tree in the house....never have figured why they bring a tree in the house, but they ARE humans you know. Suddenly it went dark in the living room too.

"Did you do that, Boy?"

How dare he accuse me of unlighting the tree.

"You fool! I was walking with you....I thought you were going to feed me some meat out of a can....I guess that's out now, huh?"

"You got that right! There's something weird going on in this house. I think we've got ghosts!"

"What's a ghost? And should I be hunting for them at night?"

He sat down on the sofa and pushed a button on that remote thing. The inside tree lit up.

"A ghost is the spirit of someone who has died and left the world. For some reason their spirit remains. No one can explain it. Sometimes they just walk around playing games with you."

"Like catch the ground squirrel?"

"More like playing tricks on you while you do you normal routines"

"Can you see these ghosts? Or are you just making all this up?"

I think I got him on that one. He just stared at the tree.

"Some you can see and some you can't. No one has ever really been able to explain whether they actually exist or not."

"So....why are we talking about this?"

"I have no idea.....I think I need more coffee."

"I think I need another nap!"

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

On Viewing "Falling Stars"

My man human met me out in the nature one morning...our usual meeting place before his dark, hot, morning drink was complete. He said he planned to watch the stars fall. I did not understand and we proceeded to communicate.

"What brings you out this early?", I asked him.

"Well, Boy....there is going to be falling stars tonight and I just wanted to see them before I go in and read all the news".

I sat on my rock, wondering what the hell this ol' man was talking about.

"Are you referring to all those dots up there in the dark skies?"

"Of course", he answered.......in that way he tends to respond when he thinks I am uneducated. ME! Uneducated!

"Where are they going to fall", I followed. It just didn't make sense to me that little lights would suddenly fall from the sky.

"I have no idea", he said. "Occasionally, our planet moves through debris from comets and other celestial bodies that wander through our galaxy. The "falling stars" are actually dust and the other types of debris that enter our atmosphere and catch on fire as they fall through."

"What's a comet?"

"Well, as I understand....well, it's a huge hunk of ice-coated rock that floats around the galaxy, working its way around the sun.....and then travels back out to who knows where. When it passes our planet, some of its leftovers drop off on our planet. Some folks think this is how life formed on our planet.....from these dust particles."

I sat there for a moment.....choking back a laugh. "Are you saying that we came from galactic dirt?"

"No....not me......it's those scientist types that think that. I don't have a clue how we got here. But their explanation makes more sense than the other views I've heard."

I just sat there for a few minutes. And a few more minutes slowly went by.

"What do you think about all this, Boy?"

"I think your coffee is ready."

"Time to go inside?"

"It is long overdue."

He went to his computer and coffee......I went to my chair to take a nap.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Adjustment Period

Ok. I know you've been asking "Where is Sir Boy?" Well I am here but I been under a lot a stress over the year. First, and most importantly, I am surrounded by either older human-types or anxious and obnoxious felines. One is called the June or Juniper (I really wish they would just choose a name and be done with it) and the other is adopted, I think, or leased on a part-time basis. She usually shows up when my Carly returns from her prison (I also hear her institution called ETSU, whatever that is). This one is a real dandy. She stays downstairs most of the time but occasionally comes upstairs. When this happens I like to try and get a sniff of her...but she's not really fond of my greeting. The June, on the other-hand, likes to make that "I'm in charge of this place" stand and usually chases her back down to her own prison. She smells like my Carly so I'm guessing they are familiar with one another. But I do not know that for a fact. This whole situation has really been a bummer but whatever. They DO still feed me.

Last weekend, my man-human found me nestled on my bed....in what the older humans refers to as the "Hans Solo Room".....they are so weird. He held my head down, with assistance from the female human, and put that stuff on my neck....but he (and SHE) did something that has not been done in years. They put something like "the stuff" in my ears. What the hell is that all about? I mean, I was sleeping! Would I wake him up to put liquid stuff in HIS ears? NO!

But I've got something that I CAN put in his ears that will certainly get his attention! I've been helping The June clean her fur (she has the ol' fluffy fur, you know) and I have at LEAST a pound of that fur stuck in my throat.

It's raining today and it's that day they call Friday. I know they'll be home and will be in bed fairly early....my man human likes to watch that box with some video thing called Star Gate and Dr. Who. But he NEVER stays awake long enough to see the entire presentation. I have to wait for the book-reading Female-human to fall asleep and THEN I'll strike!

Won't he be surprised? And then I'll scratch on the glass door and my female-human will allow me to escape from their little room. He'll have no one to blame but her. Double-Strike! Am I good or what?

Don't tell them....it happens tonight!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

March Madness

Hello everyone. I have completed my winter hibernation and am starting my annual fitness routines. Instead of napping in one location I move to several, depending on where the sun shines the warmest through the glass.

I heard my man-human speak of March Madness and he got inspired to return to writing to all my fans. I love the month of March. My man-human begins to make these comfortable beds out in the nature for me to sleep on during the warming days. I really appreciate his concern for me and my well being. These beds are made of what appears to be ground up trees. I do not know where he gets this mixture but he arrives almost on a daily basis with lots of it in the back of what he calls a truck. The truck is made of some sort of hard material and has big, round, rubber things on each corner that roll around and allows him to move to different places. It's really a neat thing and one day I would like to have one.

But what is this March Madness anyway? I don't get mad in March. In fact I become somewhat relaxed and excited about this time of year. The days are warmer and the dinosaurs start to wake up and try to walk over my nature. But I don't allow this. This is MY nature and I will not allow them to mess up my new beds and leave those smelly droppings they tend to spread all over the place. And they are noisy! They growl at me and sometimes try to eat me. But I'm fast.....well, when I want to be. It's my choice, you know.

Last weekend my Barkie and Carly came home. It was nice to finally have someone around who really takes the time to scratch my back in the places I can't reach. I think they may be here to stay because they are still here. Over the last few months I have only seen them a couple of days in a row and then they go away again. My man-human says they are at school. But I thought they had finished school last year. I get so confused. There is another female-human that used to stay in my house....I do not know where she went. I think they may have just sent her away to the animal shelter. I have heard my man-human talk of this place. I think it is some sort of homeless shelter that you take living things that need to live somewhere else. I hope he never takes me there. I do know he got that canine species called Ellie and she does not smell good. I suspect she got that smell from this shelter and does not know how to get rid of it. Maybe you can't get rid of it....I just don't know.

Well, I see the sun coming up over the mountains out in the nature. I guess I should get some rest before my activities begin. I shall return.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

The Cat's Meow

I have heard my man-human say this from time to time. I have no idea what he really means by this but it is somehow degrading.

In my view, the most annoying cat's meow is the voice of that nasty downstairs feline called Tom. OH MY GERBIL! The girl has GOT to work on the voice. It is harsh and quite irritating. I can truly understand why the humans in my home ignore her. Now she's been around a long time....I remember being with her in the big home we lived in many years ago. I think my man-human refers to it as "in Buford" or "in Georgia". Whatever.......I liked all the places I could hide in that home but I prefer where I live now. In this place there a many different wild animals that I can track and bring home to my man-human. He especially likes it when I catch chipmunks. In fact, many times when I have one captured he will run out into the nature and grab it from me. Then he runs away from me. I suspect he takes it indoors and consumes it himself or gives it to that woman. Funny, I can't really picture that woman-human having any interest in nature's game. All I ever see her consume is brown, sweet looking things that are wrapped in aluminum foil.....or those colored circles that have some writing on it.....I think is has an M on it....maybe even two Ms.

Well, it is officially dinosaur season in the nature and I should rest up for tonight's big hunt. My man-human usually comes home during his lunch but I haven't seen him today. I should get away from this computer. He once accused me of peeing on his printer and keyboard.....he chased me around the house with a broom for hours and then threw me out into the nature for many days. It feels like the cold weather is returning and I certainly don't want to miss out on the warm fires indoors. If he comes home and sees me at the computer I just KNOW the broom will come out again.

Until I write again.......

The Boy (with a "Sir" added as my new title)

Sunday, September 11, 2005

The Joy of Air Conditioning

My humans went away for the weekend and forgot to let me in. There are times I think they just sneak out on that last day of work (they call it Fried-Day or something like that) and lock the door without even asking if I'd like to come in. Well, they did it again and it was certainly hot out there. I was relieved to see them through the glass this afternoon and when they let me inside the cool house, I acted like I was glad to see them. Little do they know I just needed some water and feel that cool air. I noticed they had a least thought about me and left some food and water outside....imagine eating outside....the nerve of those people. I sampled some of it on Fried-Day but I suspect that neighborhood canine called Rowdy ate all my food and drank all my water. There was nothing in either bowl the next morning. I had to kill a cardinal for food and then drink green water out of a bird-bath. I think the green is from the bird poop.....have you ever really looked at their poop? I don't understand how they make it so colorful.

I should stop writing now and retire to my sofa before my man-human takes it. I heard him say something about football and that usually means he'll take over the sofa. I don't know why he insists on "watching" football on my sofa. All he does is fall asleep. Isn't that what his bed is for? Time's a wasting.....I must nap now.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Will Somebody PLEASE Scratch My Back?

It has been well over a week since my female human friends have been in the house. My man-human tells me they've all gone off to school. I guess I just don't understand all this school stuff. Weren't they all in school to begin with? They used to come home in the afternoons and would spend time with me, scratching my back and belly. Now all I get is an occasional quickie-rub from my man-human....in passing. He's always got something to do.....I never have anything to do. And that female-human that's left behind doesn't like me at all. At 2AM when it's time for me to go out into the nature to chase away dinosaurs, she growls at me for scratching at the door. HELLO, LADY.....have you noticed I only stand 12 inches off the ground and I have paws? Not those weird looking things you have on the ends of your top legs. Of course, I must admit that those things look resourceful. Maybe I can morph me some of those....

My man-human tells me that my Barkie and Carly are coming to see me today. That will be nice. I think I will wait on my sofa all day and perhaps I can finally get my back and belly rubbed as only those two know how to do it. AHHHHHHHH.........

Time for a nap!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Sabbatical

I have been on an unplanned Sabbatical lately. My man-human explained to me about Dog Days and I believe I now understand. Only those lower class species can tolerate this heat. I have been enjoying the cooler air inside my human's home. I have chosen the sofa in the living room as my place to think and nap.

My planned attack on the humans failed miserably. When I came into their room, on the night of the planned attack, there was a less intelligent feline in their bed. Her name is Tom and she is very protective of the humans. I know they had planned to take her away in a blue cage one morning and at the last minute had a change of heart. This was quite disappointing. For their decision, she has rewarded them by being their sworn guardian. As soon as I came into the room, she announced my approach and they both sat up in bed and turned on the lights. To maintain my secrecy, I pretended to want to go out into the nature. It was my only course of action since I was close to being caught. It was 2AM. It was 90 degrees. They went back to bed and left me there for the rest of the day.

I hate that cat!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

He Did It Again!

The nerve of that guy!

I was napping, last Sunday afternoon, since it was raining out in the nature. I wasn't bothering anyone. Now I know he gets irritated with me for taking up the entire sofa when it's baseball season. He likes to lay down and eat these crunchy things with some sort-of hot tomato looking mixture....salsa, I think is what he calls it. Anyway, there I was. Just napping away, minding my own business and dreaming about goldfinches and then I feel a hand on my neck. It was not that soft kind of hand that my Barkie uses when she rubs my back. Oh no! This hand was holding me down....like I was going to really jump up and get active immediately after a good sleep. No, this hand had bad intentions. I looked up at him and he just smiled. He said, "Sorry Boy but you might have fleas." Might have....huh! There is no way I would allow those little scratchy things on my body.....but I was trapped. The next thing I hear is a little "squish" sound....he was squirting that smelly, oily stuff on the back of my neck. Then that punk has the nerve to rub my lower back and say " That's all there is to it, Boy. You'll feel better in a little while".

I just sat there feeling invaded. It's been two days now and I think that smelly stuff had gotten into my blood. I've been seeing things in colors....highly unusual for us feline-types. Actually it's kind of cool the way those colors get all blurry and then those flashes of rainbow lights start messing with my head. But the fact remains he invaded my sleep.

I've been working on a really nice furball since then. I've actually lowered myself to help clean one of the other felines in the house......Juniper. She has lots of fluffy fur and it comes off on my tongue really easy.....shedding, you know. You just wait. When he's laying down in his bed next to that woman, I'm going to strike! And it's going to be a furball made in heaven. I might be able to break it into two pieces.....one for that demon man-human and one for that woman-human. Might as well get them both. She doesn't like me too much. Every morning at 2AM I bounce on her bed and watch her jump straight up.....then I scream a little, after she screams a lot, and she lets me out the door to stalk dinosaurs.

Yea, I'm gonna do it. And I'm gonna do it tonight! This is gonna be great!

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Dog Days

I was out early this morning having my usual talk with my man-human. It was muggy, but not nearly as hot as the last few days.

"Why is it so hot this time of year", I asked my friend.

"These are the beginning of the Dog Days of Summer. A time when the rains stop, the winds die down and the air becomes heavy with humidity", he replied.

"Oh. That's a funny name. Why are they called the Dog Days of Summer?"

"I'm not sure, Boy. I guess because only the dogs are out and about and can tolerate the heat. It may just be a Southern expression. I've heard it all my life.....it seems to happen around August of every year."

I just sat on my rock next to him.....thinking.

"Are you blaming dogs for this heat?"

"I don't think so. I really think it's because they don't seem to mind it at all".

"Are there any Cat Days?"

"Well, I sort of thought every day was a Cat Day." He was grinning when he said this, so I assumed he was trying to be funny.

"Yea, I guess you're right about that," I said. "You know, sometimes I sit out on the deck, near the back rail, and watch your dogs down in that fence. Do they do anything? I mean, all I ever see them do is roll around in the dirt and get that red dust all over them. What's up with that?"

"I've heard that's their way of cooling down and getting fleas off their bodies. They do look funny when they do that, don't they?"

"I think they look ridiculous, but they're not very bright, are they? Hey, my friend, Barkie, was talking about those last night. She said they came home from vacation and their house had a bunch of them all over the place. I think that's why she slept in my living room last night. What's a flea?"

"A flea is a little bug that likes to live in fur. They dig around and try to get into the skin to get blood. Ticks do the same thing but they tend to stay in one place, once they've found a good spot for sucking blood."

"Gross! I'm glad I don't get fleas. Sounds pretty nasty if you ask me."

"Uh, Boy......you do get fleas. I have to put medicine on the back of your neck to make sure you don't get many. That stuff gets into your blood and when the fleas drink your blood, it kills them. Since you and Tom and Juniper are usually indoors, we have to take precautions. We don't want those things in our carpet or in our hair."

I looked at him as though he had lost his mind. I know that stuff he was talking about that he puts on my neck. It really smells bad....and tastes even worse.

"Hey Bozo.....carpet doesn't have blood. Why would they get into carpet?"

"They like to stay hidden. Then when they get the chance to jump on a warm-blooded creature they just hop onboard."

"Oh....do you put that stuff on the back of your neck? You're warm-blooded too, you know."

"Hell no, Boy! That stuff stinks. Besides, I don't think it works on humans....just dogs and cats."

"You're telling me. I don't like that stuff. When I take my bath, after you've put it on me, I sometimes get it on my paw. And then I get it in my mouth. It really makes me gag. It's worse than barfing up a furball. Well, almost...".

"I think the coffee is ready. Wanna go inside?"

"Yea, I think it's time. I'm really starting to itch."

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Napping Under Butterfly Bushes

I have a quiet place in my front nature. It is a shady spot underneath bushes of bright colors....purples and whites and lavenders. There is a cutout from the bushes that allows me to escape the sun, roll over on my back and look up. From here, I can watch the many colors of butterflies as they make their way from blossom to blossom.

I think they work too hard.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Mornings with my Man-Human

Every morning, my man-human (they call him David) and I get up earlier than anyone else in the family. He usually starts brewing some brown liquid before we go into nature. Many times I am already in nature and he joins me there.

Most mornings we just stand in the driveway and look around. He always has his first cigarette of the day during this time. I quit smoking a while back but still enjoy his company, despite the smell. This is our bonding time, since he and I are the only males in this family. And since we're both fixed, I guess that makes us soul mates, although I don't know what he means by that.

I recall one morning when David called me the "George Carlin" of my species.

"What's a George Carlin", I asked.

"George Carlin is a comedian", he informed me. "During his early years, he was a hippie-type comedian but was really laid back. Except when he talked about the 7 words you couldn't say on TV. He was really a cool guy. He went on to host a children's show call 'Shining Station'. I think he was the train conductor....or the ticket man.....I don't remember".

"Well, I guess that's a compliment. What's a hippie", I innocently inquired.

David sort of chuckled. "A hippie", he began, "was a young person back in the 1960's through the mid-1970's. The guys grew their hair long and everybody wore bellbottom blue jeans and wild colored shirts. The girls wore brightly colored dresses or bellbottoms with bright shirts. You see, there was a youth revolution going on. The young people of this country were against a war we were in. The war was in a small country called South Viet Nam. Our military people were there to help that country's people remain free. The country of North Viet Nam had invaded the South and wanted to take over that country. The men chosen to fight in that war were usually right out of high school...18 years old or so. The young people didn't like this idea, thought up by the old people in our government, and decided to protest. In addition to the war, they were also against prejudice. During this time, black people didn't have the same rights as white people and were trying to make a change to become equal with the white people. Part of the youth revolution included fighting for equal rights."

"That's weird", I chimed in. "You humans are a strange lot. I don't understand. You say you were in another country trying to help them be free, right?"

"Right", he offered.

"Ok. So what's up with the black people in your own country? I mean, you want other people to be free, but you didn't allow people in your own country to be free. I don't get it."

"Neither did we! That was the whole point of the revolution. The irony of the situation baffled everyone. Now our parents thought we were anti-Americans because of the protesting. They didn't understand why we wanted to change things. They figured if it was all right for them, then we should just accept the way of the world and let things be. We disagreed and started down the path of change."

I was sitting on a rock and scratching my ear. "Did it work?"

"Well, in time it did. After the war went on for years, a lot of the older people began questioning the reason for us being in a war. Not sure if they ever accepted the races being equal. But they tolerated the change. A lot of the leaders of the revolution were killed because of what they were saying or doing."

"You killed your own kind? Now I'm really confused."

"So were we, Boy. Many years later, the hippies changed their clothes to what the older people were wearing. They had children, bought houses and merged into the way of the country."

"So what are these hippies doing now?"

"Some became businees leaders, some elected officials. I think, however, if you look around you'll see these hippies standing in front of classrooms in high schools and colleges all over the country.....instructing a new generation of young people."

I sat there for a minute just thinking. "You mean they are teachers? How did the old people allow this?"

"They weren't asked. It just happened."

"Have you gotten yourself into any of those war things that you need help in getting out? Is that why the hippies are teaching your young people."

"One can only hope, Boy."

Monday, July 25, 2005

Introduction to My Life

Good day, ladies and gentlemen. I am called Boy. I have also been known as Skittles and Shadow, but Boy seems to be what my humans prefer...at least for the past few years.

I was born in Buford, Georgia in April 1996. My humans tell me I was born on the living room floor but I have no memory of this day. I remember my kittenhood days wandering the halls of that home. When I was allowed into nature, I would meander the front nature, but the back nature had a wire mesh border which was guarded by foul smelling canines. Oh, I cringe just thinking of those lower species. But my humans seem to enjoy being surrounded by both the higher and lower species of universal specimens. You do, of course, realize that most of the feline variety, with very few exceptions, are of a higher order. I thought you did.

During my years with these humans, I have become quite the intellectual. I have chosen a path of higher learning so that I can assist my humans in their trivial lives. I have pursued and obtained my Ph.D in both Philosophy and Plasma Physics. Both of these endeavors have allowed me to focus on my continuing pursuit of the higher dimension.

My favorite artist is Ansel Adams. You realize that felines have evolved into a species that has no need for the full spectrum....black and white is all that is necessary. Mr. Adams has recognized this and chose to display his works in only these colors.

My favorite musical artists are as follows:

  • Cat Stevens
  • The Black Crows
  • The Counting Crows
  • Frank Sinatra
  • Iron Butterfly
  • The Byrds
  • The Roaches
  • The Beatles

I have also developed quite a taste for the finer foods that my humans have to offer:

  • Pimentos
  • Tomato Sauce
  • Fancy Feast, Beef only (fish leaves a bad taste in my furballs)

I certainly hope that you have enjoyed my introduction. I have put this off far too long and it is time my public shared my life with me.

Today is much too hot to enjoy the nature so I shall retire to my sofa. My man-human will be home later today and I must not let him see me perspire.